unsorted digressings..

I had a call from Kenny's house a few weeks ago. It was Oscar, who said a quick hi, who then passed the phone to Sue, then Oscar, then Bert, then Sonia... they were all celebrating Kenny's 42th birthday.. time goes fast... they said they were all missing me but i was pleased Bert made it.. I wasn't to keen to chat for long, as i was starving and dying to get home, but i knew that they are not often together so i might as well...

i flew a few months ago for Roning's anniversary.. we keep having our own feelings... Bert & Kenny are usually together.. Oscar on his own, Sue on her own... and me on my own as well.. i'm the only one that feels that Roning is now in that mountain, not in that tree where he died.. a friend happened to have time to give me a lift, but i guess is not the same, as you feel like you can't take time when you have someone waiting for you outside church..

as i landed, oscar picked me up and i stayed with him and his girlfriend.. they arranged a dinner with all of us, that is without mum... my guess is oscar wanted to have his feelings on his own, same as Sue, same as me.. so whilst Bert & Kenny went to the tree, he was working and i was flying... but we managed to sit for once and have a family dinner... we all had cameras, we were so excited that we were just taking random pictures all at once... like if we had no time to properly pose, as if the night would end anytime soon...

i did start crafting when someone showed me the beauty of it... so i did a card for each of them with a chinese theme, and they were quite pleased..

Oscar told me that he's planning to get married...??!! wow.... i congratulated them and he asked me they do not want a present from me but to do the invitation cards.. how sweet...

he told me he dreams of Roning, and i confessed i do too... i always dream of him being alive... i dreamt that i passed my old typewriter onto him and that Roning loved the fact that he would keep it for me..

none of them speak to mum, but somehow my mum calls Oscar every now and then to ask him to join her for lunch...

Oscar is a bit of a big mouth, so when he came to visit me nearly 2 years ago and i told him how mum rejected me, it wasn't long before she knew it.. she told me few months later that she didn't mean those words and that she was angry at that moment... it was too late, i wasn't going to change my mind... i said i wouldn't sit in a corner and cry that i couldn't go home, that i have my own life and i can't book a flight just because she says so.

i was pleased, however, that we spoke about it... i asked my sister to send my nephew over so i would show him London... he was very thrilled, he was only 16 and hardly speaks any English, but knows that he wants to live in London for a couple of years at least... i never told my mum he came, as this could only bring bitter words...

the relationship with my mum became better, and i even flew after xmas on a very quick weekend trip and i surprised her once again.. she didn't know i was coming, and i asked my friend to lie and ask her to meet in town.. she got shocked to see it wasn't my friend showing up but me and my plus one...

every time i read o hear a story where someone died or suffered, i feel like my eyes are about to fill with tears and i have to hold them..

i flew 4 times last year, 3 this year so far and we seem to be ok, no serious arguments...

if they asked me one wish for this life, would be him. For him no to die, or not in this way, make his last days very happy, get to spend time with him, talk to him, travel with him, eat with him...

getting to enter the bike world... i remember those days where he got his first bike.. and his helmet, and his then girlfriend's helmet... and when his friends bought him bike boots for his birthday.... and when Bert bought the biggest bike and Roning rode it like if it was truly his... when he would pick me up or take me somewhere.. i wish i could have him here and talk to him for hours and hours..

"is grieving".. did only get the attention of a couple of people here and there, one not expected at all and the other apparently because "someone said so"..

people is not comfortable talking about death in general... they do not want to know about it and if they can avoid it they surely will... is it a taboo? do they fear it will remind them from their own personal experiences? or do they just fear having someone in tears since they won't have the knowledge or the patience to deal with it... people simply chooses to ignore things.. no one seems to like to be around someone single and simple.. once you get a partner and settle down in life, people seems to come back to your life, no matter how much they ignored you or hurt you in the past... they want your friendship back.. bizarre how life changes.. all this busy friends i once had... they are no longer busy and they hardly have anyone to talk to... even some back home expect me to ring them and meet them... if there's something i cherish these days, is to spend time with my family more than anyone.. it doesn't matter which friends i have or see, i grew up with my family and the unconditional love is there.. those people wondering what i'm doing in this country and that i should take them with me... but i became a family person and gone are the days i longed to be with friends..

i tried to talk to the one he always loved... didn't seem to get much of a conversation.. i guess it's one of them that prefers not to talk about it...

nights became better, hardly get that lonely and depressing feeling... instead i get the comfort of being held.. life is better with someone by your side.. i thought i would die of sadness.. but somehow i believe my heart died with him.. i don't think i have or i will ever be the same.. i don't get to talk as much as i used to and i seem to have closed my doors.. in fact i am somehow jealous and i wished i was anyone of them, untouched, that i didn't know what the feeling of losing someone is.. i feel i have been punished, for all those years of rancour and stupid thoughts.. i guess i deserved it big time... and that's why we are here in the world.. not just to have a good time... to suffer as this is part of life..

paranoia is always there.. someone driving too close to the car in front, speeding, insane driving makes me go mad...

i wonder if you'll ever read this again.. if you'll ever find out that i wrote... i'm sorry if i bore you, i'm not a writer, i'm not an entertainer, these are just my feelings... i can only hope not to ever go through them again... no one has the right to judge me the same way as i have no right to judge anyone... no one is perfect no matter how much we try..

there was this Japanese manga my friend made me watch.. I always liked Japanese soft manga since I grew up with them on tv… it was about a guy that could see dead people and kept saving them from evil monsters, non visible to humans but somehow they destroyed the whereabouts… then he was about to kill that monster, and recognized the eyes of the girl’s brother… she was a young sister and he could not believe her own brother would attack his sister.. then it revealed how she prayed every night for the first year of his death and slowly moved on to be a happy teenager again… it was somehow dramatised in the usual Japanese way, but made me cry so much.. I couldn’t hold the tears and I could do nothing but stand still so my friends wouldn’t realise… the monster-soul said he became one when he saw his sister which he loved like a daughter forgot about him and stopped praying for him…. Then she said how she stopped praying so she wouldn’t keep his soul attached to this world and set him free…. The thought of Roning feeling this way…