Family falling onto pieces

I did my best to help my sister and Mark to move out from my mum's, I managed to run things smoothly, but somehow they are never happy with each other..
Somehow I believed I pleased my mum and my sister by agreeing at some point their stubborness, and to my surprise, 5 days later, there she was, calling me and saying that papers were missing again (so that means 180 pounds to hell, as I did change the lock on purpose, as I knew she would come up with this.. ) So I suggested once more why not to keep documents in a safer place... I lost my temper, and so did she, and then those words: "Listen to me, if you are to come home, don't come to this house, go to your brothers"..... ?????

All of a sudden everything made sense.. she was always looking forward to this day when she'd tell me not to ever come back home.. that's what she has been after all these years, to be left alone... it feels like when you are watching a movie, you are supporting who you believe is the "good" one, and then turns out to be the nasty one.. after a while I wasn't that surprised, knowing her temper, and the lack of motherhood that she always had (not her fault afterall)

I couldn't help but feel rejected.. my friend was coming to pick me up, and I just had this awful conversation with mum.. I just wanted to cry... I tried to play cool, as if nothing could affect me, that's what I replied back to her, I do not care about home, my home is in England. I do not need anything or anyone.. she threatened with no paying the expenses of the flat where she lives, so we would have to do something about it.. probably she was just being a big mouth, like usual, to scare us, but I said that the flat had nothing to do with me.. not even the country...

I wonder if all this will do internal damage, such as an ulcer or something similar.. I feel that my family is breaking up....

I knew before I left that last time, that it would be the last time I'd spend time in the room with my sister or my nephew, chatting away for hours and hours.... it won't happen again.. they're off to a new life with her partner, nothing will ever be the same...

Oscar is the only one left there, and he hardly goes.. I hardly call, as she only spits biterness, no matter what..

I would understand if I did something nasty, but I never did.. and I did help her a lot, not only emotionally but financially..

She hardly calls either.... that's her choice...

People keeps asking why I give up my city to leave in England.. and why I don't go there for xmas... I haven't told any of my brother's, but Oscar about this, that would be yet another argument, I guess there are way too many, that's just another one...

Oscar was right, it does hurt.. feeling rejected by your own mum... what else is out there? Can any friends/partner ever replace that?? People comes and leaves, hardly anyone cares that much... how many calls did I receive asking how I was doing.. how many emails did I get, how many texts, how many times has someone come to see me to check on me... just like everyone, that's only at first.. after a short while they all forget, as it has nothing to do with them.. they don't know what the feeling of losing someone in this way is.. it doesn't last days, weeks, months.. it stays with you for the rest of your life... is not something you can forget and get on with it.. it will always come back...

Rest In Peace

There were different thoughts, regarding to Roning's ashes.I know for a fact that he loved our dad more than anything in this world, no matter what.. He always told me how proud he was from dad. I always respected his feelings, even though I didn't feel the same way, I knew we would have an argument with that, knowing his temper and my straight forward way of talking.... Anyhow I knew his wish was to be with dad, and so I had no doubts. Everyone kind of knew, but strangely enough, Albert wasn't keen of getting rid of the ashes... neither was his widow or my mum.

I thought we'd have an argument, it was in August when I went for "holiday", earlier than usual, so we'd all be there. It was a cloudy day, a bit windy.. we all met in a petrol station, half way to our destination. I was quite shocked to see that only my sister and me were in black, I found it a bit disrespectful, but... The widow was wearing a white dress and high heels, she assured that was Roning's favourite outfit of hers..

I felt the urge to wear sunglasses all day long, I wanted to cry really badly since the minute I took the plane, however I keep holding it whenever I'm in my "home" country.. we put some candles in the monastery, and went for a mass in church.

I couldn't hear anything at all, all I was doing was trying to hide my tears...

I was holding onto his ashes for quite a while when we walked around, I was quite afraid to drop them accidentally.. it's one of the most akward feelings..

We took a picture of all of us, the "6" brothers.. the only time when we will ever be together... for some reason we never managed to be together, there were always arguments with one and another.. pride and rancour were always present.. there has been always a maximum of 5 of them together, and my thought in the past was that I'd make sure I missed it, as I had all this stupid useless rancour, no longer there now.. Now I'm the one trying to be there as much as I can...

We went up in the rope cable, it was 15 years since we spread our dad's ashes, so we hardly remembered where we did it.. there were a few tourists passing by, so it was hard to have time to ourselves, so we walked a bit further. It was quite high up in the mountain, but it wasn't that cold.

My sister and I were in our own, as usual, and the rest of our brothers had their girlfriends and our 4 nephews. 3 of them hardly had any touch with Roning, so they were quite unaware of the whole feeling..

Albert wanted to have a last picture with "him", we were all afraid that he'd lose control and start a scene, but he didn't..

Finally we found a place where we could spread the ashes and make sure they'd go down, at some point people passed by, but we were just saying our final goodbye..

Mum refused to go, too many arguments between all of them, I do my best to keep away and calm both sides, but even at some point I got my "portion" of bitterness..

flash

Today i had a sudden flash. I don't know how, i realized that if he lived in the city, the accident would have been spotted a lot earlier... that's what happens when you live in the middle of nowhere.. people hardly pass by... not only that, being in a city, traffic is a bit more controllable, and accidents don't get that devastating like the one he had.. he wouldn't have hit something so strong that would have made the car fall over an embankment, coz in the cities there are no embankments. Cars hardly get on fire in the city, and even if they do, there are more chances of someone passing by, firemen getting quicker... also it's very strange to find an animal in the middle of the road...

but accidents do happen anyhow, anywhere.... i'm so afraid of cars now.. i wonder how my family still thinks about getting a car, or just driving like nothing happened... cars are killing machines...

i remember when i was little, i wanted to live in the mountain, away from the city... but few years later, i realized that is a lot more dangerous, i discovered that by watching many american movies, where there are always plenty of psycho murderers and so on... i always say that this only seems to be happening in america.... so as long as i wasn't living in the american mountains, that should be fine? i don't think so at all.. with the years i appreciate more being in a city, and despite mine is a lot smaller than my last one, i must say is more than enough... not bigger, not smaller.. just about right.

i dreamt of him last week.. again he was alive.. and for some reason he was showing me how he started from scratch his new flat.. he already had a cool tv and some modern furniture, and it didn't seem to be in order, so i suggested that he needed some "feng shui".... the strangest thing, the flat was the one next to my mum, and so i thought how can i keep the secret of him being alive if he was so close to everyone else....? i did hug him again.

in real life, i could never hug him properly. The few times i tried, it seemed forced. He couldn't open himself with physical affection, but body language is more than physical approachness, his glance was "the mirror of his soul" as we say....

i love dreaming of him, being alive, i just wish it became true..

i'm about to sell my soul again, for overtime... when there is nothing too interesting to do, no one who i really want to spend time with, no one who i feel comfy enough to talk to... or shall i say, no one that is really there for me... of course there's someone i want to be, talk, spend time with.... is just not there.... and there's nothing i can do about this...

better being lonely than with bad company...

anyhow i feel that my mum is going to need money anytime soon, so i better be prepared...

he was the one, telling me, how i should devote for work.. as there are no family, friends, or partners that is going to give you the comfort.. you have to do your own money, never depending on anyone.. give the best of you, and you'll get rewarded.. if you give the best of you to people, you'll end up empty afterall... work is all we have in life... everything else won't stay for long...

i believe i have a limit and a balance... i won't go any further than half of what i used to... at least now i can do more in my 4 walls than just staring at them... if only you could see them...

Poem from the movie "Four weddings and a funeral"

FUNERAL BLUES

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
silence the pianos and with muffled drum
bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
let the traffic policemen wear black cottong gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
my working week and my Sunday rest,
my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
i thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one,
pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
for nothing now can ever come to any good.


....... i haven't watched this film for a long long time... even when i watched it, i was way too young to understand what was all about.. i sure have to watch it again.

When i went back home last month, a mini-break that i had planned before anything ever happened, it turned out to be extremely "on time"... mum didn't expect me until 5 months later, and she wondered again whether i lost the job (strange suspicions of her, whenever i have more than 2 weeks holidays per year, she always thinks i lost my job)

It wasn't Oscar the one picking me up, it was Albert with his wife. Strangely enough, Oscar was away, on a spiritual trip... where are all the things he wanted to speak to me about? He was so depressed that escaped for a week, so i didn't have the chance to see him. He's the one i feel a soft spot for, if you ask me.

First thing that Albert pointed at me, was this leaflet that came when he was collecting soundtracks weekly, back in the 90's.. he had the one about "Four weddings and a funeral" movie, and on it was written this poem above, and he said that's exactly how he felt.

Mum was very pleased to see me, it was mother's day, but i was the only one with her... everyone had arguments with her, the fact that she's the first heiress (by law, not for will) has made everyone else angry, maybe jealous, and i seem to be the one agreeing to it. I always stand up for my mum, and i guess i'll always be. She has done mistakes in her life, but we are not judges, and she's there afterall, for all of us. They just don't want to see it.

When i bought this ticket, 2 months before everything happened, i wanted to make up for my mum, as i missed the last 2 christmas, and her birthday, so i thought i could surprise her for mother's day. I did make her happy in the past, but i think that was the best surprise. Feeling so lonely on this war she's on, it's nice having someone by your side that understands and supports you. At least i thank God i came out with a good common sense, and honesty, so my mum won't feel her life has been a waste.

When i look back, i can't believe how painful was at the time.. lately i get sudden short sad moments, then they go away... i refuse to listen to the music he used to play, as i know i'm not strong enough to hold the tears, or not in public anyway... i don't mind playing Roning's songs while i'm at home. Here i can cry as much as i want, and no one will ever know. "and i don't want the world to see me.. because i don't think they'll understand.. when everything is meant to be broken.... " i love these sentences from "iris" the song by Goo Goo Dolls...

another true lyrics are the recent overplayed in the radio "i know it's a wonderful world, but i can't see it right now.. i thought i was doing well, but i just wanna cry now.. "

I'm starting to email my older brother, whom i hardly spoke, and every time i get an email from him, i fear is going to be the last one... Roning just started emailing me for the very first time, 10 days before he died... paranoia is always going to be there i guess...

Remembering the past, there was once, when Roning and me kind of spoke properly... he told me he was upset with me, about 2 or 3 years ago, i can't quite remember. It was christmas, he was feeling lonely as always, and didn't want to spend christmas with anyone, and refused to have my company for the night, as i shouldn't "waste" my christmas just to be with him. He opened up, and said he was upset for quite a while with me, and that he couldn't admit that he missed me, the pride was stronger than him... i couldn't quite believe what he was saying, that he would be too proud to talk to me, as he always had a soft spot for me...

and i did admit that i was also upset with him, when years ago i asked him to call me, as i needed him, and he never answered or attempted to call me... selfish attittude that we all sadly have, he failed me the only time i ever needed him... since then i started drifitng away, and caring every time less..

but at least we had our night, when we spoke about our hurt feelings in the past, no need to say how much we loved each other, as that was always in our eyes.

i keep remembering when i told Oscar and Susan... that was... i can't find the words...

i haven't spoken to any of them yet, not openly, of what they felt. In the other hand, they hardly know what i felt. They thought i was very strong, to hold the news for over 5 hours, without telling anyone else... how could i.. what if it wasn't him... there was a little chance it wouldn't be him... but deep inside i knew it, and so did oscar, no need for the doctor to confirm it was him, we could feel it.

so many things i'll never be able to tell him... i'll never see the bright of his eyes, his cheeky smile.. never ever again..

i saw his girlfriend. She said she had something for me, i would have never figured out, she gave me an old frame with a picture of him and me, not sure of when was that picture taken, but more than 10 years for sure... i was about 14 or 15, and he was 22 or 23. We both look very young, and changed our teen look. I was very pleased to see that picture again, i didn't see it for a long long time... she said that he had it ever since he bought his first flat, about 7 years ago.. i wonder if he asked my mum to take it, or he just took it with him....

i no longer fear death. I never looked for anyone, but when my time comes, i'll sure be looking for him.. and if i had the chance, i shall tell him not to ever leave me again..


Rest in peace, Roning...

what are friends...

call me selfish.. but i believe i have the right to be...
life is ironic. Some people hasn't been there, but they still want to be there, and after a while they seem to forget. I might look ok, sound ok, but i haven't healed at all.
It seems like if nothing has happened.. i'm miles away, and i don't hear from him, but it has been always like that.. i wonder if i am still bottling up... i said all i had to say, and now is just disappointment from the reactions of the people. I want at least every now and then a "how are you". But it's difficult to know what a person wants when something like this happened.. we are not all the same, and if you would like something, another person might not like that something.. i don't think that there's much harm when saying "sorry to hear that, how are you.." or just a "how are you" every now and then, to show that you care... but of course no one cares that much, because it hasn't happened to them...

No one is able to give an honest long hug.. i got them, but it took me forever to get them.. the person i wanted the most to comfort me, did, for a day, and that was about it.. too many things going on on other people's lives, you can't expect them to be there for you.. you always knew that, why would it be any different now..

surprisignly, the more you open up, the more they open up, and you end up hearing stories you wished you heared long time ago.. everyone's got a story, a drama, maybe not from their own, but close enough to be worth it to tell.

i can't believe how many arguments a dead can bring with it, you guess we would all learn the lesson, but there are endless fights.. despite miles away, can't help feeling frustrated as they are not able to see more than what they want to see..

many people keeps asking me years after years, if i have many friends.. what a random question... how do i look? lonely? probably because i feel it.. someone asked this, and added that was hoping that i wouldn't go to an empty home... luckily for me i found a cosy place with 2 friendly flatmates and 2 gorgeous cats.. whoever had pets, will understand the comfort that they can give... i didn't use to be a big fan of cats, i used to be scared of them, but nowadays they're the best friends i ever had.. the closest thing to love that i ever felt... they do love me, and they are there every day, when i come back from work, even before waking up.. i fell in love with them, and so did they... they'll never say the wrong thing, they'll never make me cry.. they are not able to give a hug like a human, but they do give company and they'll never try to make a joke..

in the other hand you never know who might become a very good friend of yours because of the circumstances.. a bit of destiny here, made me see an old work mate as one of the best friends to relay on..

deep inside i'm still bitter, because i had none of the people i feel comfortable with, to spend time with me to cuddle up with.. i guess i'll never get rid of the lonely look in my eyes..

what a lot of digressing in here.. i wonder if anyone could ever understand.. does that matter afterall?

Se le apagó la luz

He only became 35 years old two weeks earlier..

where to start...

first of all, i don't know how sensible you are, so i put a couple of paragraphs in yellow letters, as they're pretty hard to read, so you can read it if you like, but if you think you'll be affected, just ignore it and try not to read it... I do want to share what happened to me in these last "holidays" that i had recently. I wanted to write this so those that are upset with a brother, sister, mum, dad, and every single human being could think twice.. because it can happen to you like it happened to me.. i just wish you had better luck than me, and i hope you are on time, because i'm not anymore... not with him... but the ones i am still with..

it feels unreal that all this has happened.. yet when i answered that call i wasn't on denial, it was an accident waiting to happen.. no hope, no prayings, just to figure out how to handle the situation.. my ears felt funny, like if i was going to faint, heat invaded me, yet i was concerned i had to fake things were ok. A suitcase to finish, a plane to take in less than 3 hours.. it wasn't going to happen.. how to manage for them not to be suspicious that nothing is wrong, so i won't start bursting into tears and give the horrible news without being absolutely sure it was him..

i had arrived the sunday before, and i was glad that he did email me days before, for the very first time, to say he wanted to spend the day with me to go to our favourite city on Thursday. We haven't been there together since 2001, when he first introduced me to his girlfriend.. he never emailed me or texted or gave me a call in all this time i've been in england, nearly 4 years alltogether..
Even though i was scared to go with him, as he drives like a madman, and because i seemed to find (without wanting to) a way to upset him. Despite all i knew he always had a soft spot for me, so he'd always end up forgiving me and wanting to spend time with me. With the years, we started having different oppinions, and slowly we got separated by pride and miles. For the last 6 years we've been drifting away, yet he was the one coming back to me. He always felt very close to me, once he said we were the ones always left apart, as my mum and dad would always have a soft spot for everyone else but us..

i was with mark our 15 y.o. nephew, and he showed me a text from him, asking what time i was going to arrive. Mark answered saying i was already there with him, so he called his phone and i answered. Last time we spoke was on christmas, and still very distant, with more people. He was very different when he spoke to me in front of people and when he was only speaking to me. I felt glad to hear his voice, and i did laugh to myself at his nervous tick (a tickly cough as a result of stress). He did seem stressed, feeling miserable about his life. He was working in his second job as a security guard, and said he was feeling tired, but that he would come afterwards. He asked me whether he should go home and change, or come with his work clothes and smelly. I told him not to bother, that he would be fine the way he was. Later on he called Mark's phone, and said he wasn't coming. Mark left with our family friend, to sort computer things, and i felt so bored that i started cleaning the kitchen. My mum was watching tv, and for the last hour has been asking me to go for dinner to the chinese restaurant she likes so much. Meanwhile, Mark's phone was left alone and ringing, Roning was calling, and by the time i picked up the handset twice, he hanged up. At some point, i realized that if he wanted to speak to me, he'd call my number, and he didn't, so i didn't bother answering the call. For some reason, i was unable to say yes straight away to my mum, and when i finally made up my mind, Mark came back and said Roning was downstairs, that i should hurry up. I told my mum to wait for me to send him away, as he couldn't pretend to be with me without telling me beforehand. He was on the phone, still dressed as a security guard.

He kissed me briefly, like always.

Then he said "let's go". "Where to?" i said. "I'm meant to have dinner with mum, as you were not coming"... then he said he did try to talk to me, but no one answered, and i told him how i only got the phone too late twice, and i asked him why he didn't call my number. I'll never be sure if he got confused or made up a lie, saying that he understood that my last phone was only an english number...
He said he was upset, because i could go for a meal with my mum anytime, but not with him that lives miles away from mum. I asked him to join us, knowing he'd never agree. At some point i did say that i would say no to her, but it was too late, he felt rejected, and there was no way back. I spoiled it again.
I knew he didn't come just for me, but for a laptop he had to pick up, so i didn't feel as bad. He started the car in his very own agressive way, and i didn't care less. Mark and me went upstairs, and we went for dinner with mum. We left Susan, my sister, as she had loads to iron. Roning called Mark, saying he was cancelling our date on Thursday. I thought he could change his mind, or i'd save a bit of money and time to myself..

Then monday, his girlfriend said that we could meet up sometime that week, and so we arranged to meet on tuesday.

days later, i emailed her and said it was nice to see her, and i didn't bother to make an effort with roning, to convince him to spend the Thursday together.. i didn't have a lot of money, or feeling like listening to his miserable life (i learnt this attittude from him, sadly enough), so i felt happy to have 2 extra days to myself and catch up with friends.

next thing was me on that morning of saturday, ready to go back to england.. was about 12 or before..

first was a text from the girlfriend, saying he didn't go home to sleep, and he wasn't answering his phone.. i texted her back saying not to worry, and that he must be working.. in less than an hour, she was calling me... i had a bad feeling, but i hoped it was a goodbye call...

"they found your brother's car about 4 in the morning..... (no guess whatsoever of him being on it)... did hit a tree, fell down through a little embankment.. and got on fire... (nasty bit ahead) the police doesn't know whether is a man or a woman, everything has been burned..... " all this while i was closing the door of the room and feeling shaky and dizzy.. ACCIDENT WAITING TO HAPPEN on my mind... and we all hoped i'd never happen.... not so early..not this way... not this horrible way....

still now when i'm writing or reading these words, i shiver.

she was very calm and with a cold voice.. she told me not to say anything to anyone, until she recognized the body... my brain struggled to think straight.. we didn't know if i should go there, or her coming here... in the meanwhile, i thought it was better to win time and started calling my brother Oscar for whatever the results were, we would still go up there to see what happened... it could be someone else, someone could have stolen his beautiful Audi and get a punishment from God.. he might be somewhere else, maybe he felt aslept at someone's place.. (so unlikely...)

I couldn't tell Oscar what was going on, so i just said that i needed him, and that i needed him to take me somewhere.. he wasn't very happy, he wasn't going to come, he was going to spend his last hours with the woman he was in love with, and that was leaving him to live a life with another man in england..

She called me again, saying they didn't let her see the body, but they got a chain with a cross, the one that both always wore.. and they said that had braces, so it was very likely to be him.. felt dizzy and shivery again.. meanwhile, Susan said that Albert & his wife were in town because of her dog was nearly dying... (i thought that woulld be easier for them to stay...so they'd be there when we'd come back from Roning's..) i couldn't think of anyone to talk to, and she suggested that only oscar would be fine. Albert would be too busy with his wife feeling sad because of her 16 y.o. dog dying..

Oscar called me, saying he was downstairs, and i asked him to park the car for a while.. he truly believed i made him come for a goodbye lunch with the family, but as soon as i saw him, i rushed him to go. As i was closing the door, i gave him a look. He could tell something was wrong.. took the lift, he did ask me, but i could hardly speak.. "they found Roning's car.." (another one that couldn't guess that he would be on it).. hit against a tree.. and got on fire.. and roning? he asked... and i stared at him.. he couldn't believe it, he started running and running down the street, i said to him i had to change my flight before we went anywhere.. there i was running after Oscar, feeling that i didn't have enough air to breathe, feeling desperate to cry, shivering and trying to think straight.. he saw it very clear, called his best friend, our family friend, to ask him to come straight away while crying and running at the same time.

i entered the internet cafe, and it took me a while to calm down and realise that the website was playing up and i nearly changed my ticket to another destination.. i couldn't guess when to go back, as i was meant to be back to work on that tuesday.. Our friend was there already, we walked back home, and i told them not to say anything until we knew it for sure.. i had to pretend i was leaving for the airport..

once i was at home again, i realized that i could just make up the excuse of saying that i was staying because Oscar was feeling depressed because of his woman leaving the country.. i could only think of the food that mum put me on the suitcase, i started taking it out, and saying i would change my ticket, as oscar wasn't feeling well... Susan asked me if i was going to eat with them, and albert & wife, as they were coming.. i said i couldn't, that i needed to be with oscar.. they couldn't understand my sudden reaction..

3 of us left, Oscar started crying and crying.. and so did i.. it was so good to have our friend with us, as nor Oscar or i could drive in such situation... there was a bit of traffic in the city. Oscar and i felt like someone axed our foreheads, the headache was unbearable.. despite using tiger balm, the headache was very strong.. but finally we got there.. we picked her up,. we went to Roning's house, and i felt unable to go further than the kitchen.. thinking he would have been there just the day before.. i didn't want to see anything from him, that would have made me cry even more..

they were looking for the dentist papers, as they had to check the teeth to confirm it was him for sure.. then we all went back into town.. since the minute i sat in the car, i felt sick, very keen to throw up... "how are we going to tell them that... they will be angry that we didn't tell them before..." but i said to Oscar that we had to be sure it was him, and we didn't know about the chain until not long ago.. it was better to tell them all together, at my mum's.. Oscar called Albert, and asked him to stay until we arrrived.. then called Kenny, to ask him to come into town.. and i called Susan, and asked her to stay.. no one could imagine what was going on....

first thing i did, while they were waiting downstairs for Kenny and his wife to arrive, was sending my 15 y.o. nephew Mark with our friend, to do something with the computers.. i asked him to take his phone and the keys.. Albert & wife were looking at me, i looked worried .. i said to Susan that Mark was going with our friend for a while.. she was very curious to know what happened, so much mistery going on.. i was going to tell her, then i thought i should wait for everyone else to come.. then i went again.. sat on her bed.. looked at her.. she kept asking me what happened, i could hardly speak.. Roning... roning what?? roning died in a car accident... she started crying very loud.. i told her not to be loud, that i had to wait to tell them..my mum came around, i couldn't speak, we were both crying.. Albert came and took her out of the room... then Susan couldn't hold it anymore, and she said to Albert that Roning died.. he went to the living room and told mum... it was so painful to be the one giving the news..

Susan shut the door and called her boyfriend, and then her boss... she could hardly speak... next thing she knew she had Roning's girlfriend in her knees...

I didn't want to call anyone.. i didn't have the strenght to speak about this, and the head was aching at all times..

then the rest arrived.... i didn't speak to my older brother Kenny and his wife for quite a while.. he was a bit serious (pride) but he greeted me..

i did what i had to do, and now was the girlfriend the one having to talk.. there was silence, and a very miserable feeling.. how lucky we would feel if he showed up alive.. when you think the thing you want the most is an impossible love or a material thing.. but it's not.. what we all want the most at some point, is that this person didn't die.. you'd do so much better if this happened.. you'd learn the lesson, you'd feel grateful every single day for not having lost that person that you care for... can be your mum, your dad, your sister or brother, or friend.. no matter how bad things have been, when you know they're dead.. you wish you had done better..

i didn't want to think about all the times that i let him down, but they were there.. coming back to me saying "see..."

my 3 brothers and their 2 girlfriends decided to go up to Roning's to stay with Roning's girlfriend. Meanwhile, my body couldn't hold it anymore, and i started throwing up. Even though i had no food all day apart from a hot chocolate in the early morning, i was just throwing up the water i drank. I could tell i was going to become sick.. Oscar asked me if i was going to go, but i said i wasn't feeling well, that i'd go next day with Susan, Mark and our friend. We had a soup, but it was useless for me, i threwed up again.

i hugged my mum to say good night, and it was 3 in the morning when i heard my sister in her room crying...

an annoying feeling when i woke up. that it wasn't a dream... that it really happened, he was gone...

funnily enough, i did dream years before in two or three occasions that they told me that Roning died.. then i'd wake up and feel glad it was only a nightmare.. but never paid that much attention.. the same happened with dad, and years later he died.. is it like a power? If so, why the hell i didn't try better.. i did have chances to be there for him, to spend time together.... stupid pride..

next day our friend came to pick us up. i felt i had a sick body, like if i was going to have a very bad flu on its way... Went again to this house where i feel so uncomfortable, and went to town court..to my surprise (nasty bit ahead, you are still on time to avoid it), was 3 of them wanting to see the body! the lady said that there was not much to see, it was a piece of carbon, head split open, and was mutilated, no arms or no legs... i couldn't believe what my ears were hearing... they still wanted to see it, and our friend also went, because Oscar asked him to. I said that they were sick, that they'd have nightmares for the rest of their lifes with this image on their minds... Oscar asked me to shut up and respect their oppinions. They said that if he was alive, and they were the ones dying, he would be the one going to see them...

there's no way in earth that i'd go and see such body, that would have made me forget the images i keep from him.. i wouldn't like anyone seeing my body like this either.. it's so... sad i guess....

i wonder how people can work in such departments, seeing all kind of horrible things like having to get bodies like my brother's.. how beautiful life is, and how horrid can be, and no one knows, because we never pay too much attention to the news until it happens so close that it hurts that you never saw anything before like that, so you would have done so much better....

mum asked me to go with her as she was feeling dizzy, she also wanted to see the body, but thankfully she didn't, so we went for a coffee. It was the first time i could eat.

the day seemed like it was pretty grey already, and everytime we were going indoors, it seemed to rain a bit..

we went to where we believed the accident happened. We couldn't find but one or two pieces from the car, many other from others, a tree that was fallen, hit by a car.. but i did wonder where were the signs of fire...

then we went to the funeral services, and they had to decide where to make the mass, the crematory, which day, which coffin...

we also saw a car cemetery, and we saw a blue audi.. we stopped, and we tried to recognize it, but it wasn't that one.. then i said again, that only one seemed burnt... but we couldn't recognize it as an Audi, as the impact it had was so strong that bended most of the car, and the fire took the painting off, leaving it in a naked white-burnt colour... that's how it ended up.. the first photo i got it from the internet, as i haven't got one from his, but that's how it looked like before..

apparently the airbag wasn't working, and so was the suspension. Recently he had two arguments with a big garage company that he used to work for, as they couldn't find the fault of the suspension, but he knew his car, he was a mechanic, and for years he was the manager of one of these garages in town....

funnily enough he was the one always talking to me about the security in the car.. to have security up to date.. about quality of life.. and he had none for quite a long time..

he did love his car.. he started running like a madman to 90 miles plus (140+ km/h), bend or straight, not even cities stopped him from running.. he was already mad with motorbikes, but in a car seemed much faster for some reason... WHY on earth do we have cars running 90 miles plus, when we are NOT allowed!!! they're killing us and everyone around us.. they shouldn't make cars running more than 80 miles an hour.. (120km/h)

we went to the back of the car cemetery, and some of them jumped.. my sister recognized the rest of his shoe and the trouser stucked... i didn't want to get in, but later we went to the front, saw a guy, and he offered us to open the gate.. the manager came, and then i went in... the look of the car was unreal... it is for real what they say "they're killing machines".. one of the most horrible accidents they ever saw..

Oscar was the last one to leave, together with me.. he was putting his hand in the ashes, looking for something.. and he did find something.. it was a little medallion.. none of us had no idea of what was or where he got it from, could be a lot, or nothing to him.. i guess we'll never know..

then they told us the place where the accident happened.. we saw the tree with a shape of "V", and when we stopped in the entrance of a camping opposite, then we saw the signs of a fire... it was pretty wide, there were little pieces everywhere.. rests of the laptop he bought recently, and was madly in love with, the phone, a magazine that Mark lent him... aluminium pieces that melt with the fire.. rests of the wheels, all burnt.. i found half of the number plate.. we were trying to find something from him, that we could keep forever and ever.. i could imagine the scene.. wish i could have a tape of how it happened.. and how to stop it, rewind it, and change the end...

we went for lunch. My sister kept an eye on me, saying i was very quiet.. what could i say... that i hated myself big time for being the worst sister in the world.. i just wanted to go home to cry on my own... there was no one i ever wanted to talk and cry with..

.. and went back into town just mum, Susan, Mark, our friend and me. We arranged for the mass to be done the next day, in the afternoon. Roning's girlfriend did call all the people.

it was a funeral day.. even the weather was with us, we never saw the clouds so dark before.. rain at all times.. it was a very sad day..

There we were, all in black. I did get to stay by his coffin on my own, crying with the door closed. Keen all day to throw up again, but i never seemed to manage to get it out... i heard Betty was there, i did want to go and say hi, as i knew she was his pen pal, and i wanted to ask her so many things.. but i was too late, she left, and i went to the toilet. When i opened the door, Albert was there, hugged me, and took me to the bar to have some orange juice. It kept raining and raining..

I didn't want to be upstairs, with people coming that i didn't know.. just before 5.30pm, when the mass was going to start, we went upstairs, and as Mark said, the floor was full of people, just for Roning.. i didn't believe it, but it really was... i couldn't look at anyone straight, and it was his ex best man that greeted me.. it was years since i last saw him, and so was his girlfriend, happily pregnant.. "your worst trip from London.. he said.." (honestly, sometimes words do NOT help, a hug or a sorry will do!!) everyone was greeting me and giving me their condolences.. Then Roning's girlfriend was calling my attention, with an old couple.. that was her parents..

then i saw Oscar, and i did hide myself on his arms, while i felt the whole floor was watching every move from us..

went in for a last time, and saw many more flowers came in...from his work, from our neighbours.. i stayed until they took the coffin away, without knowing they were just taking it to the mass.. no one entered the room until we first did. First row, the priest said wise words of "no need to say anything, your presence is already a lot.."

then the musicians, played 3 songs.. one of them, from Andrea Boccelli (con te partiro). He was probably sitting in his coffin laughing at all of us, with his ticket to paradise, with no more obligations to go to work, to pay the bills, and free to do what he liked.. or so i hope...

Then we all stood up, but no one left the room until we first did. I couldn't look at anyone.. then i recognized a lady... it sounded familiar.. but couldn't figure out.. and seeing this chubby guy.. that was our old family friend.. so many years.. they used to take Oscar and me to the beach.. they did remember me vey little indeed..

i didn't like having so many faces watching us, it was painful already in the family, let alone with all these people we didn't know.. but i did like to see that many people came to say goodbye to him..

Next day we had to go to the crematory, only the family this time.. it was pretty annoying to hear in the bar a very loud man talking about nonsense in such a sad place.. we entered the office, asking for the medallion Roning had, and the lady was pretty rude, saying that they didn't know anything, and that WE could open the coffin and get it... are you insane??? would you want to open it?? is not a normal dead body, it's a fucking (nasty word ahead) BURNT body!!! no one said that, but we all had this in our mind.. we went outside, as a polite lady pointed us to a little room to wait. Then, as i came out of the toilet, again, more keen to throw up but no luck on that, we saw all the flowers in the floor... we couldn't believe it.. our friend asked permission to do something about it..

we went to the room, saw the coffin for the last time, and saw it go away to the crematory... that was it.. less than 5 minutes.. so quick, so unreal...

then our friend took the small flowered cross, and threwed them at the ladie's from the office, having a go at them saying "thank you very much for your sensibillity, shame on you" and strangely enough, she came out, with attitude, saying that we should have been there to pick up the flowers.. this lady was probably unhuman..

our peacemaker brother Albert did have a word with her alone, we all went to the car park, and our friend apologised for what he did, but i just said that was the "light" version, if Roning was alive, she would have probably eaten the flowers, as he had such a temper.. i did tell him that he must be very proud of him, sadly enough.. that was the way Roning was.. yet we all love him more than never... too late... but no one can take this feeling away from us..

then we went to Roning's one last time, went to the place where the accident happened, placed some flowers and hung a wooden cross. With the rain, we thought we could find something else.. and i kind of did. It was a burnt piece, it had some letters on it.. i was trying to figure out what it was, until i realized they were the cd's.. i could only read the first one, a few letters.. "los dos cogidos de la mano", then i did remember this spanish song from that singer that we both like "Alejandro Sanz", the rest of the songs were "Pisando fuerte", "Todo lo que fui es todo lo que soy"... strangely enough, there's a song on that cd, "Se le apago la luz", that talks about a guy having lost his little girl (girlfriend) in a motorbike accident, that she died.. i did wonder at some point if he did suicide, as it was very strange accident, was after a bend, a straight road, he came out of his lane, invaded the other lane, and came out of the road, hitting that huge tree, and falling through the embankment.. we have no idea of what happened, it could be some car coming out of the camping, and another crossing, no signs on the road whatsoever.. we've been told that the road was dry.. Even if it was an animal, he'd know he had to run over it, or else he'd lose control of his car.. it was all bad luck all together, since i didn't meet up with him, to the airbag, the suspension, the high speed, the company dinner he never wanted to go to but managers insisted.. or having two jobs, and being on the net until very late, not getting enough hours of sleep.. if i went with him that thursday, i could have spent friday with him as well... i could have saved him, or we could have both been killed somewhere else, but at least i would have been with him... this way i'll always regret i could have tried better... we know as a matter of fact that wasn't alcohol. He's quite allergic to it, and even the managers saw him drinking a coke and a water.. or maybe if the car didn't get on fire, he would only have a broken leg, who knows.. the whole damn thing went wrong... that's what the say "Reality is worst than fiction..." sometimes..

Suicide was quite unlikely.. years ago, when his ex girlfriend left him, he was very depressed, and he said that "it would be brave to die running with his motorbike or car against a wall or a tree".. i did tell him off, and we never spoke about it again.. that was many years ago... i know that life wasn't great for him, but he did have projects, and he was very thrilled to learn more about computers.. another brother did say the same thing, when feeling very sad, but then again, sometimes they're just words.. it seems more like an awful accident that something planned.. and he was nearly arriving home.. a few miles more and he would have made it.. i guess too many times he avoided death.. and this time was the time.. at least he didn't take anyone with him..

that should be it.. picking up the ashes next day, do some paperwork.. changed my plane ticket again as i wasn't feeling very well with the cold and all... but i was having a bit more of control of my body, head stop aching so much, and i felt a bit better than earlier days..

now is all arguments in my family, to see who stays with the ashes, who the heritage goes to..

i still hope i'll get one day a call or a text or an email from him.. saying he's alive, that i should keep the secret forever and ever for him, like many others... i would feel the happiest girl in the world... there's nothing i want the most on this life.. i want him alive.. and i want to do all these things i always wanted to do with him, like going to this fun park he wanted to go ever since they opened it in 1994... to show him england, to go to china, to go to our favorite city.. to tell him all the things i never told him, about my very secret love life.. to say how much i love him and that i've been very stupid and i will never ever be... i would buy him that jumper i always wanted to buy him, and that t-shirt.. to tell him all about my backpacking trips, and i would show him this wicked restaurant from my city... but he will never ever come..

now it's too late...

Lyrics for "con te partiro" by Andrea Boccelli&sung with Sarah Brightman (translated into english) you can find this song in youtube.com easily.. just type the title..

Time to say goodbye -- I'll go with you

Sarah:

When I'm alone

I dream of the horizonand words fail;

yes, I know there is no light

in a room where the sun is absent,

if you are not here with me.

At the windows

show everyone my heart

which you set alight;

enclose within me

the light you

encountered on the street.

Time to say goodbye. --

I'll go with you

to countries I never

saw and shared with you,

now, yes, I shall experience them.

I'll go with you

on ships across seas

which, I know,no, no, exist no longer;

it's time to say goodbye. --

with you I shall experience them.

Andrea When you are far away

I dream of the horizonand words fail,

and, yes, I know

that you are with me;

you, my moon, are here with me,

my sun, you are here with me

with me, with me, with me.

Time to say goodbye. --

I'll go with you

to countries I never saw and shared with you,

now, yes, I shall experience them.

I'll go with you

on ships across seas

which, I know,no, no, exist no longer,

Both: with you I shall experience them again.

I'll go with you

on ships across seas

which, I know,

no, no, exist no longer,with you

I shall experience them again.

I'll go with you.

You and me.

*******************

another song that i kind of feel identified with is from the cure, "cut here"...

So we meet again!" and I offer my hand

All dry and english slow

And you look at me and I understand

Yeah it's a look I used to know

"Three long years... and your favourite man...

Is that any way to say hello?"

And you hold me... like you'll never let me go

"Oh c'mon and have a drink with me

Sit down and talk a while..."

"Oh I wish I could... and I will!

But now I just dont have the time...

"And over my shoulder as I walk away

I see you give that look goodbye..

I still see that look in your eye...

So dizzy Mr Busy - Too much rush to talk to Billy

All the silly frilly things have to first get done

In a minute - sometime soon -

maybe next time - make it june

Until later... doesn't always come

It's so hard to think

"It ends sometime

And this could be the last

I should really hear you sing again

And I should really watch you dance

"Because it's hard to think

"I'll never get another chance

To hold you... to hold you... "

But chilly Mr Dilly - Too much rush to talk to Billy

All the tizzy fizzy idiot things must get done

In a second - just hang on - all in good time -

wont be long

Until later...

I should've stopped to think -

I should've made the time

I could've had that drink -

I could've talked a while

I would've done it right -

I would've moved us on

But I didn't - now it's all too late

It's over... over

And you're gone..

I miss you I miss you I miss youI miss you I miss you I miss you so much

But how how many times can I walk away and wish "If only...

"But how many times can I talk this way and wish "If only...

"Keep on making the same mistake

Keep on aching the same heartbreak

I wish "If only..."

But "If only....

"Is a wish too late...


Do think twice.. and try better with those you know...