Family falling onto pieces

I did my best to help my sister and Mark to move out from my mum's, I managed to run things smoothly, but somehow they are never happy with each other..
Somehow I believed I pleased my mum and my sister by agreeing at some point their stubborness, and to my surprise, 5 days later, there she was, calling me and saying that papers were missing again (so that means 180 pounds to hell, as I did change the lock on purpose, as I knew she would come up with this.. ) So I suggested once more why not to keep documents in a safer place... I lost my temper, and so did she, and then those words: "Listen to me, if you are to come home, don't come to this house, go to your brothers"..... ?????

All of a sudden everything made sense.. she was always looking forward to this day when she'd tell me not to ever come back home.. that's what she has been after all these years, to be left alone... it feels like when you are watching a movie, you are supporting who you believe is the "good" one, and then turns out to be the nasty one.. after a while I wasn't that surprised, knowing her temper, and the lack of motherhood that she always had (not her fault afterall)

I couldn't help but feel rejected.. my friend was coming to pick me up, and I just had this awful conversation with mum.. I just wanted to cry... I tried to play cool, as if nothing could affect me, that's what I replied back to her, I do not care about home, my home is in England. I do not need anything or anyone.. she threatened with no paying the expenses of the flat where she lives, so we would have to do something about it.. probably she was just being a big mouth, like usual, to scare us, but I said that the flat had nothing to do with me.. not even the country...

I wonder if all this will do internal damage, such as an ulcer or something similar.. I feel that my family is breaking up....

I knew before I left that last time, that it would be the last time I'd spend time in the room with my sister or my nephew, chatting away for hours and hours.... it won't happen again.. they're off to a new life with her partner, nothing will ever be the same...

Oscar is the only one left there, and he hardly goes.. I hardly call, as she only spits biterness, no matter what..

I would understand if I did something nasty, but I never did.. and I did help her a lot, not only emotionally but financially..

She hardly calls either.... that's her choice...

People keeps asking why I give up my city to leave in England.. and why I don't go there for xmas... I haven't told any of my brother's, but Oscar about this, that would be yet another argument, I guess there are way too many, that's just another one...

Oscar was right, it does hurt.. feeling rejected by your own mum... what else is out there? Can any friends/partner ever replace that?? People comes and leaves, hardly anyone cares that much... how many calls did I receive asking how I was doing.. how many emails did I get, how many texts, how many times has someone come to see me to check on me... just like everyone, that's only at first.. after a short while they all forget, as it has nothing to do with them.. they don't know what the feeling of losing someone in this way is.. it doesn't last days, weeks, months.. it stays with you for the rest of your life... is not something you can forget and get on with it.. it will always come back...

Rest In Peace

There were different thoughts, regarding to Roning's ashes.I know for a fact that he loved our dad more than anything in this world, no matter what.. He always told me how proud he was from dad. I always respected his feelings, even though I didn't feel the same way, I knew we would have an argument with that, knowing his temper and my straight forward way of talking.... Anyhow I knew his wish was to be with dad, and so I had no doubts. Everyone kind of knew, but strangely enough, Albert wasn't keen of getting rid of the ashes... neither was his widow or my mum.

I thought we'd have an argument, it was in August when I went for "holiday", earlier than usual, so we'd all be there. It was a cloudy day, a bit windy.. we all met in a petrol station, half way to our destination. I was quite shocked to see that only my sister and me were in black, I found it a bit disrespectful, but... The widow was wearing a white dress and high heels, she assured that was Roning's favourite outfit of hers..

I felt the urge to wear sunglasses all day long, I wanted to cry really badly since the minute I took the plane, however I keep holding it whenever I'm in my "home" country.. we put some candles in the monastery, and went for a mass in church.

I couldn't hear anything at all, all I was doing was trying to hide my tears...

I was holding onto his ashes for quite a while when we walked around, I was quite afraid to drop them accidentally.. it's one of the most akward feelings..

We took a picture of all of us, the "6" brothers.. the only time when we will ever be together... for some reason we never managed to be together, there were always arguments with one and another.. pride and rancour were always present.. there has been always a maximum of 5 of them together, and my thought in the past was that I'd make sure I missed it, as I had all this stupid useless rancour, no longer there now.. Now I'm the one trying to be there as much as I can...

We went up in the rope cable, it was 15 years since we spread our dad's ashes, so we hardly remembered where we did it.. there were a few tourists passing by, so it was hard to have time to ourselves, so we walked a bit further. It was quite high up in the mountain, but it wasn't that cold.

My sister and I were in our own, as usual, and the rest of our brothers had their girlfriends and our 4 nephews. 3 of them hardly had any touch with Roning, so they were quite unaware of the whole feeling..

Albert wanted to have a last picture with "him", we were all afraid that he'd lose control and start a scene, but he didn't..

Finally we found a place where we could spread the ashes and make sure they'd go down, at some point people passed by, but we were just saying our final goodbye..

Mum refused to go, too many arguments between all of them, I do my best to keep away and calm both sides, but even at some point I got my "portion" of bitterness..