flash

Today i had a sudden flash. I don't know how, i realized that if he lived in the city, the accident would have been spotted a lot earlier... that's what happens when you live in the middle of nowhere.. people hardly pass by... not only that, being in a city, traffic is a bit more controllable, and accidents don't get that devastating like the one he had.. he wouldn't have hit something so strong that would have made the car fall over an embankment, coz in the cities there are no embankments. Cars hardly get on fire in the city, and even if they do, there are more chances of someone passing by, firemen getting quicker... also it's very strange to find an animal in the middle of the road...

but accidents do happen anyhow, anywhere.... i'm so afraid of cars now.. i wonder how my family still thinks about getting a car, or just driving like nothing happened... cars are killing machines...

i remember when i was little, i wanted to live in the mountain, away from the city... but few years later, i realized that is a lot more dangerous, i discovered that by watching many american movies, where there are always plenty of psycho murderers and so on... i always say that this only seems to be happening in america.... so as long as i wasn't living in the american mountains, that should be fine? i don't think so at all.. with the years i appreciate more being in a city, and despite mine is a lot smaller than my last one, i must say is more than enough... not bigger, not smaller.. just about right.

i dreamt of him last week.. again he was alive.. and for some reason he was showing me how he started from scratch his new flat.. he already had a cool tv and some modern furniture, and it didn't seem to be in order, so i suggested that he needed some "feng shui".... the strangest thing, the flat was the one next to my mum, and so i thought how can i keep the secret of him being alive if he was so close to everyone else....? i did hug him again.

in real life, i could never hug him properly. The few times i tried, it seemed forced. He couldn't open himself with physical affection, but body language is more than physical approachness, his glance was "the mirror of his soul" as we say....

i love dreaming of him, being alive, i just wish it became true..

i'm about to sell my soul again, for overtime... when there is nothing too interesting to do, no one who i really want to spend time with, no one who i feel comfy enough to talk to... or shall i say, no one that is really there for me... of course there's someone i want to be, talk, spend time with.... is just not there.... and there's nothing i can do about this...

better being lonely than with bad company...

anyhow i feel that my mum is going to need money anytime soon, so i better be prepared...

he was the one, telling me, how i should devote for work.. as there are no family, friends, or partners that is going to give you the comfort.. you have to do your own money, never depending on anyone.. give the best of you, and you'll get rewarded.. if you give the best of you to people, you'll end up empty afterall... work is all we have in life... everything else won't stay for long...

i believe i have a limit and a balance... i won't go any further than half of what i used to... at least now i can do more in my 4 walls than just staring at them... if only you could see them...