Poem from the movie "Four weddings and a funeral"

FUNERAL BLUES

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
silence the pianos and with muffled drum
bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead,
put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
let the traffic policemen wear black cottong gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
my working week and my Sunday rest,
my noon, my midnight, my talk, my song,
i thought that love would last for ever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now, put out every one,
pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
for nothing now can ever come to any good.


....... i haven't watched this film for a long long time... even when i watched it, i was way too young to understand what was all about.. i sure have to watch it again.

When i went back home last month, a mini-break that i had planned before anything ever happened, it turned out to be extremely "on time"... mum didn't expect me until 5 months later, and she wondered again whether i lost the job (strange suspicions of her, whenever i have more than 2 weeks holidays per year, she always thinks i lost my job)

It wasn't Oscar the one picking me up, it was Albert with his wife. Strangely enough, Oscar was away, on a spiritual trip... where are all the things he wanted to speak to me about? He was so depressed that escaped for a week, so i didn't have the chance to see him. He's the one i feel a soft spot for, if you ask me.

First thing that Albert pointed at me, was this leaflet that came when he was collecting soundtracks weekly, back in the 90's.. he had the one about "Four weddings and a funeral" movie, and on it was written this poem above, and he said that's exactly how he felt.

Mum was very pleased to see me, it was mother's day, but i was the only one with her... everyone had arguments with her, the fact that she's the first heiress (by law, not for will) has made everyone else angry, maybe jealous, and i seem to be the one agreeing to it. I always stand up for my mum, and i guess i'll always be. She has done mistakes in her life, but we are not judges, and she's there afterall, for all of us. They just don't want to see it.

When i bought this ticket, 2 months before everything happened, i wanted to make up for my mum, as i missed the last 2 christmas, and her birthday, so i thought i could surprise her for mother's day. I did make her happy in the past, but i think that was the best surprise. Feeling so lonely on this war she's on, it's nice having someone by your side that understands and supports you. At least i thank God i came out with a good common sense, and honesty, so my mum won't feel her life has been a waste.

When i look back, i can't believe how painful was at the time.. lately i get sudden short sad moments, then they go away... i refuse to listen to the music he used to play, as i know i'm not strong enough to hold the tears, or not in public anyway... i don't mind playing Roning's songs while i'm at home. Here i can cry as much as i want, and no one will ever know. "and i don't want the world to see me.. because i don't think they'll understand.. when everything is meant to be broken.... " i love these sentences from "iris" the song by Goo Goo Dolls...

another true lyrics are the recent overplayed in the radio "i know it's a wonderful world, but i can't see it right now.. i thought i was doing well, but i just wanna cry now.. "

I'm starting to email my older brother, whom i hardly spoke, and every time i get an email from him, i fear is going to be the last one... Roning just started emailing me for the very first time, 10 days before he died... paranoia is always going to be there i guess...

Remembering the past, there was once, when Roning and me kind of spoke properly... he told me he was upset with me, about 2 or 3 years ago, i can't quite remember. It was christmas, he was feeling lonely as always, and didn't want to spend christmas with anyone, and refused to have my company for the night, as i shouldn't "waste" my christmas just to be with him. He opened up, and said he was upset for quite a while with me, and that he couldn't admit that he missed me, the pride was stronger than him... i couldn't quite believe what he was saying, that he would be too proud to talk to me, as he always had a soft spot for me...

and i did admit that i was also upset with him, when years ago i asked him to call me, as i needed him, and he never answered or attempted to call me... selfish attittude that we all sadly have, he failed me the only time i ever needed him... since then i started drifitng away, and caring every time less..

but at least we had our night, when we spoke about our hurt feelings in the past, no need to say how much we loved each other, as that was always in our eyes.

i keep remembering when i told Oscar and Susan... that was... i can't find the words...

i haven't spoken to any of them yet, not openly, of what they felt. In the other hand, they hardly know what i felt. They thought i was very strong, to hold the news for over 5 hours, without telling anyone else... how could i.. what if it wasn't him... there was a little chance it wouldn't be him... but deep inside i knew it, and so did oscar, no need for the doctor to confirm it was him, we could feel it.

so many things i'll never be able to tell him... i'll never see the bright of his eyes, his cheeky smile.. never ever again..

i saw his girlfriend. She said she had something for me, i would have never figured out, she gave me an old frame with a picture of him and me, not sure of when was that picture taken, but more than 10 years for sure... i was about 14 or 15, and he was 22 or 23. We both look very young, and changed our teen look. I was very pleased to see that picture again, i didn't see it for a long long time... she said that he had it ever since he bought his first flat, about 7 years ago.. i wonder if he asked my mum to take it, or he just took it with him....

i no longer fear death. I never looked for anyone, but when my time comes, i'll sure be looking for him.. and if i had the chance, i shall tell him not to ever leave me again..


Rest in peace, Roning...